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Feb. 23rd, 2010

Grr

I'm exhausted and tired of this endless cycle!
I say im going to fast..i binge...i purge.
Ughh! ):
and i hate my mom for stuffing a 310 calorie breakfast in the morning!
is it toast necessary with scrambled eggs?
I mean the eggs alone is just simply 34 cals but the toast kills it all.
safjsaobfsa
BLAH
FUCK IT. IM GOING TO CHANGE THE CYCLE.
I'LL PROVE ANA THAT I CAN FAST.
TOMORROW I'M FASTING OR MAINTANING UNDER 100 CALORIES
YOU'LL SEE!!!!
im tired of being fat.

...off to exercise....thanks for listening (:
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Feb. 21st, 2010

MAJOR THINSPO!



anathinspo

I'm so motivated (:
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Feb. 20th, 2010

WOW.

Ohkay, for the first time i have good things to say in my journal (:
anyone else find it hard to write in the journal?
I usually say it all in the communities and such that when i get to my journal i'm speechless.
WELL enough of that.
Yesterday i realized somethinng..
Lately i haver been failing to ana. =/
If you asked me i've been binging like a fat kid with cake and no control.
But i didn't become aware that mia has been slowly creeping up on me and taking over anas place.
I've been more mia than ana these days and honestly i don't know how it even happened.
I used to only do it like once a month and because i ate something terrible but now i notice i'm doing it more often like 5 times a week to whenever i eat and i'm home alone.
........I'm home alone quiet a bit.
I hate it, it's just so unstatisfying and make me wish i never ate the food because then i wouldn't have to that. But then i go ahead and eat again!
I'm getting back to ana (:
she's nicer.

oh and i have gone 47 days without cutting (:
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Feb. 18th, 2010

dream

i wish i was as light as a fairy <3
..both of which are untrue..for now..but don't worry i'll make sure to discover both soon (:
Rose Fairy Pictures, Images and Photos
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Feb. 16th, 2010

Odd..

people have been making odd anorexia related comments.. now maybe im just getting more and more paranoid?
...hmm well anyways lately i have been binging ):
i gained 8lbs in one week!
NIGHTMARE!!!!! i reached a new highest!
but but but i got my act together and i lost 3 so far, today was my first day.
Also the ex and i are meeting this friday!
AHH so i need to lose 7 more before i see him!
i dont want to look like a cow ):
tear tear.
HELP ME!
any advice?
i have been restricting A LOT, and exercising a whole lot more!
...other than that (:
i have been cut free for 42 days (: horrayy

Feb. 7th, 2010

fuckmylife

So ughh i don't know what to think right now.
I am in love with my ex although im doubting something will happen
and i think im jealous of my best friend ): she weighs like 100lbs
is pretty, out going, has great taste in music and it seems to me all the guys love her.
I like this guy for 2 months and we talked constantly but then at the dance just 2 days ago
he left me for her.
and i know for a fact that she doesnt want to get into that drama nor with him
so i thank her but i am still so upset.
he must not like me because im fat and stupid.

FML!
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Feb. 4th, 2010

(no subject)

Why must life be complicated?
just when you knwo things are going smoothly a huge pothole comes and ruins it.
whatever.
tomorrow is the dance <3
i told myself i would be at my goal weight by now.
ummm... i missed it by 25 pounds... yeah X:













lovely.

Feb. 3rd, 2010

I'M BACK.

I'm back && this time im not leaving without a fight.

Dec. 7th, 2009

Win it or lose it

Ana:
I will win it.
I know i can win this battle (:
I will prove myself and ana differently!

WISH ME LUCK!
Tomorrow I'm gonna do it! i know i can!


Self harm:

I couldn't take the anxiety anymore.
Cutting is like an addictive drug.
after 3 months i just couldn't take it anymore.
I did not cut but i was so close, i made a line on my wrist with the blade but not deep at all, barely noticeable.
I left my razor at school so i couldn't really do it. =\
Why is it addicting? i dont understand.
I love the pain, and honestly the only time i cut deeeeeeep and hard is when im freaking out, sad, depressed, or angered.
but sometimes i just do it because i love the pain.

ahhhhh whats wrong with me!?

Dec. 6th, 2009

15 days

15 days to lose 15 pounds!
I can do it!
i know i can (:
i just have to try and not stop till i accomplish it.

I WILL BE SKINNY

...today was badddd, but tomorrow will be great!! (:

Photo of the day:
z112605353.jpg Pictures, Images and Photos

Selfharm: I got soooooooo mad at my mom today, she is always complaining about stuff and yelling at me for stupid things, or things i don't do!
the whole time i could feel the anger rush through my blood and building up, i wanted soo much to feel the razor blade on my wrist. i wanted to feel that pain.

GRRRRRR. sadly, i forgot my razor blade at school. i leave it in my backpack because there is no way i could trust it at home.
my mom is always snooping and i would hate it if she found it, i wouldn't be able to explain or even come up with a good lie.
i dont even want to try.

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